One, two, who are you?
by TheOodInFood
Summary: One-shot. With dark Finn, dark Jake and BeatMor from a darker dimension. Which Finn and Jake will be the winners of this battle? It's adventure time! The story takes place about a month after my fic "A science thing".


One day Ice King was making his way through the forest on the way to try to find someone he could kidnap and/or fight with and/or talk to so he wouldn't feel as alone and pathetic, when he suddenly heard a silly noise coming from the trees.

*Ploink** foff* *shamui* *trink*

"Gunter, darling, did you hear that?" he said and stopped walking. "What do you mean 'I'm old and crazy'? What has that to do with anything!"

Ice King tried to walk towards the trees, but was stopped by Gunter holding him back in his clothes. They stood still for a while, Ice King flapping his arms around trying to get loose, until he realized he could freeze Gunter, so he did, and then finally got to go and investigate the sounds. At first he didn't find anything, and thought that Gunter might have been right, but he found out Gunter's real motive soon enough: sitting next to a broken down, weird sounding machine, was a female version of Gunter.

"Gunter, how did you get here so fast?" Ice King asked, not realizing that this was a different penguin, that racist bastard. Gunter, who had melted free in the sun, sighed from behind him and waddled up to Gunn and held her hand, as to show Ice King that there were two of them. A few seconds past by before Ice King's eyes widened by the realization: she was from Fionna and Cake's parallel universe!

The first thing Ice King saw when he opened his eyes again was Gunter standing over him. Why was he lying passed out in the forest? He had some vague memory of a dance he had made with some rocks, and him jumping up and down of happiness, trying to peel a tree of its bark, with his teeth… but why? He sat up. The dizziness made him see double: two trees, two rocks, two Gunters… Two Gunters! He passed out of excitement, again.

"Show me how the machine works!" Ice King demanded when he awoke. "Bring back my sweet, sweet Fionna!" he continued and sighed out of happiness while pressing his arms against his chest. "What do you mean 'you don't know how'? Bring me Fionna or I will make you into fish sticks! And, I can tell you, everyone HATES fish sticks! You will be left cold and alone on everyone's plates and you'll have to kidnap princesses to feel anything at all, so do the science thingy now and bring me back my love!"

Gunter quacked and started pushing buttons randomly, the way he had done it the last time, except that time it had been by accident. And, that time the machine wasn't broken and didn't sound like it was BMO's retarded cousin. When a couple of minutes had passed without anything happening Ice King grabbed the machine from Gunter and threw it as hard as he could (which wasn't that hard, really) on a tree. It fell down on the ground, squeaked as if in a last breath, and then stopped making any sounds at all.

Ice King refused to talk on the way home, but he did ice the road in front of Gunter all the way so it would be harder for him to walk, as a punishment for his behavior. But not even Gunter falling over would cheer him up, not that he could see it through his tear-filled eyes. They had left the machine in the forest, but brought Gunn since the ice mountain was her home too after all, just not the same ice mountain.

At the same time Tree Trunks was taking her usual morning stroll through the forest. She was so lost in her own thoughts about apple pie recipes and handsome pig men that she almost didn't notice the figures approaching from her right.

"Oh, well hello there, young fellows! I almost didn't notice you, I was all lost in my sweet thoughts about apple pie recipes and handsome pig men," she greeted Finn, Jake, and BMO. They looked at each other and then back at her again. "But what on earth were you doing in the middle of the forest?" she continued.

"That's none o' yo' business, Tramp Trunks," BMO spit out and smirked before walking the path in the opposite direction, Finn and Jake following it.

"That's not my name, little robot person," Tree Trunks defended herself, but they were already too far away to hear her. "Weird," she thought, "that those boys hadn't defended me. They always seemed so kind at heart." But, what Tree Trunks hadn't noticed because of her old lady eyes was that this wasn't the Finn and Jake she knew. Maybe not everyone would have picked up the subtle differences, like the long, black, leather coats they were wearing, or that their eye balls were the same black, brownish color as oil, but most people would have at least questioned why Finn had a morningstar where his right arm usually was. Also, most people would have, like Ice King, wondered about the weird, metallic sounds coming from somewhere behind the trees.

Down town in the Candy Kingdom the candy people were on the verge of a riot. With no one in particular leading them, although Cinnamon Roll looked oddly suspicious, they were running around in complicated patterns and structures and at random throwing themselves on the ground, screaming for exactly 3.56 seconds.

"Citizens of Candy Kingdom! Calm yourselves!" Princess Bubblegum shouted through a gramophone made out of 70 % cacao chocolate with strawberry flavor, oh, that delicious strawberry flavor. "I don't know who spread the rumor," She paused and gave Cinnamon Roll the stink eye, "but just because you technically would be categorized as food does not mean that you are cannibals for eating food!" she explained and sighed. The banana guards seized the moment of confusion and ran into the crowd to arrest some of the most troublesome troublemakers.

"Woah, what's going on here, PB?" Finn asked as he almost got knocked over by Peppermint Butler trying to outrun a banana guard. He and Jake had decided to pass by on their way home from a secret, battle-planning, weapon-training, sunrise picnic with Billy, to see if Bubblegum wanted to go play crushball (a sport they had invented themselves) with them. But, clearly she was busy with other things. Once PB had explained the situation to them, they realized that Catching-Candy-People was a much funnier game to play than crushball, which was basically just Finn and Jake trying to destroy different types of balls with their hands. In just half an hour the entire population of the Candy Kingdom, excluding Bubblegum, but including the banana guards, was locked inside the ridiculously over-sized dungeon under the castle.

"Oh yeah! Great job, dude!" Jake said and high-fived Finn.

"I totally kicked your butt at C-C-P!"

"No, _I _totally kicked _your _butt at C-C-P!"

They kept on fighting all the way up from the dungeon, through the castle, and almost to the end of Candy Kingdom, until Finn remembered that they hadn't said goodbye to Bubblegum. They turned around, but got distracted, finding new balls along the way that they just had to try to crush.

Princess Bubblegum was chilling in her throne in the great hall of the castle, when she heard someone laughing darkly.

"Finn, is that you?" she said to the empty room, not bothering to get up. "I would like to thank you two for your work today, but I really think it's OK to release my people now. They have calmed down," she continued. The laughter was louder now.

"Now, why would we do that?" said the laughing voice from behind her throne. "When everything is going according to our plan?" the voice continued. She recognized the voice, but it was darker and huskier than she remembered, so she got up to see if it was who she thought it was.

"BMO?" the princess asked, but she saw at once that it was not the BMO she knew. Dark Jake and dark Finn towered behind BMO like two bodyguards; they didn't say anything, but Bubblegum saw that it definitely wasn't Jake and Finn.

"Do I look like yo' lil' BMO, o' what? The name's BeatMor, not that it matters 'cause we'll be gone soon, and so'll your candy folks," BeatMor chuckled and looked angrily at dark Finn and dark Jake until they started to chuckle as well. PB realized that there was no time to lose, whatever these jerks were planning, so she started running towards the staircase to the dungeon. But, dark Jake was too fast; he stretched out in a matter of seconds and grabbed PB and brought her back to them.

"Oou, she's feisty! I like that in a woman, maybe I'll bring you back with me to our world, sweet cheeks," Jake said and winked at her. Apparently, this was totally out of line, because not seconds later he got kicked in the head by a flying Finn. He and Jake had been hiding on the roof, watching and hearing everything through a window in the ceiling.

"Nobody talks to my… eh, _any _woman like that! Not even you, Jake!" belted Finn.

"Uh, dude. It's not me; it's another Jake. Dude, I got here with you!" the real Jake said, and when he did so dark Finn saw an opportunity and hit real Finn on the head. "Hey! Uncool, me!" Jake shouted and stretched his way toward the darker versions of themselves. But, before he could get there they all started shooting a hot, creamy slime through their eyes, covering the room with the substance which both hurt you and in which you got stuck.

"That, I did not expect," Finn stuttered. The bad guys approached the good guys, floating over the slime with their dark eyes glowing like hot coal, as if they were in some kind of trance. Finn pulled out his sword and cut himself loose, just to get stuck again when he took a step. Dark Finn started swinging his morningstar-arm faster and faster as he got closer to normal Finn, who gulped and closed his eyes. Suddenly, an idea came to him; he picked up some of the substance in his hands, and then some more, until he had a hot and sticky shield. Dark Finn didn't have time to react, and when he swung his arm at Finn, he got stuck in the shield.

"What the flip!" dark Finn exclaimed, but couldn't say anything else because Finn had cut himself loose, and was now using dark Finn as a surfboard to surf through the room and fight the other two. Apparently the material in their coats and the soles of their shoes repelled the substance, which Finn now could use as his advantage. With a fighter's roar he surfed towards a surprised BeatMor and dark Jake. And, before they could do anything, Finn had cut up their coats and pushed their naked bodies in the stickiness.

"Why are you guys being super evil!?" Finn shouted at them, excited by his victory. What he then noticed was that they had all started crying. "Uh… What is happening?"

"Finn, they aren't evil, they are just from a different universe," Bubblegum started explaining. Finn had almost forgotten that she was there and turned towards her, laying his head on its side as to show that he didn't understand. "Remember Fionna and Cake? It's just like that except that instead of them, or us, being members of the different gender, everything is just a lot darker," she added, looking over at BeatMor. "Right?"

"Right!" cried BeetMor. Finn still wasn't convinced.

"But that still doesn't explain why you came here to kidnap the candy people," he said and crossed his arms. "That's just straight up mean," He looked over to PB for confirmation, but she wouldn't give him any. She was looking to BeatMor for more information. BeatMor took what looked like a deep breath, but what obviously wasn't since it didn't breathe.

"The Ooo we come from is, like you say, a dark place," it said and looked to dark Finn and dark Jake who stared blankly at the ground. "Of course we have the usual problems: crimes, monsters, bad weather, but those we are used to; we've never had it any other way. The biggest problem our land is having right now is in our healthcare!"

"I don't understand, how would kidnapping the candy people solve that in any way?" asked PB.

"Oh, we lack organs for organ transplants, and we thought: 'hey, our parallel universe has the exact same bodies we have, except healthy, so we could just take their organs!', and then you activated the portal from your way, and we thought: 'hey, why not?'" dark Jake explained. BeatMor looked like it was about to explode out of anger. There were definitely no signs of tears in his eyes anymore.

"You lump-faced idiot! We weren't going to tell them the truth!" it yelled and tried to throw itself at him, forgetting it was still stuck.

"Aha! You _are_ evil!" Finn said victoriously and pointed his finger at them. He turned to PB for a high-five, but was denied one. She looked like she was thinking very hard about something.

"I have decided," she started to say, "to help you". Finn's jaw dropped. "It doesn't matter what you have tried to do today, your people are in a way my people, and when my people need help, I am there for them! Or in this case, Doctor Princess is there for them, because she's the one who will be coming with you to your universe to teach you to create your own organs and to use them," Bubblegum stated, and then she turned around and started to walk back to her throne. "Finn, let everyone out of the dungeon except Doctor Princess" she said over her shoulder to five not entirely satisfied, but too tired to care anymore, people.

After some boring 'special missions', as PB called them, including getting the machine from the forest and cleaning up the castle, dark Finn, dark Jake, BeatMor, and Doctor Princess were finally set up to go to the dark universe. She had been kept in the dark dungeon for the past day, and had finally accepted that it was her duty as a doctor to go with them to help. There wasn't a warm goodbye, but at least Finn and Jake came to say goodbye to themselves.

"Goodbye," they said, with maybe not the most exciting voices one can imagine.

"Goodbye," the others answered, pushing the button to bring them home as they did so. As they started fading away Doctor Princess goodbye-waving hand dropped, her being stabbed in the stomach by dark Finn who started to cut out her organs, laughing as he did so. The real Finn and Jake screamed as loud as they could and froze out of fear. The dark people were now all gone.

"Oh, well. At least they didn't lie about their problems," Princess Bubblegum said, and then she shrugged and walked back up from the dungeon. Finn and Jake understood after a while that there wasn't anything they could do, really, so they followed PB's example and shrugged and walked back up again.

"Hey, PB! You wanna go play some crushball?"


End file.
